I want to make you happy, but I've fallen, I'm sorry

Sat, 31 May 2008 16:54:55 GMT

I know I'm the one who made the choice. But...
was it supposed to hurt this bad?

I've been invited to move elsewhere...
so maybe within a year or two, I'll do it.
For now, I'll work and go to school until I have to focus on work and my child...
but after that...
who knows?
Jer and Amie said I could come up to Oregon and they want to help in any way possible.
Maybe they'll help me find a good home and job there so I can raise my family of two.
And hopefully by that time I'll have a van or station wagon, so I'll be able to start performing again.
That'd be an even better form of income, but I wouldn't quit my day job; just a little extra on the side for emergencies.
Anyway, I have the next several months to make some huge decisions, so until then...
I'll just pray and take my friends and family up on their offers for help.
I'm so blessed to have such love and support.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love.
I can hear her say..I'm weak.
I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm yours.
Hold me Now. Hold me Now.
Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose to say my beloved is borrowed and used.
She is strong enough to stand in my love.
I can hear her say..I'm weak.
I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm yours.
Hold me Now. Hold me Now.

You're all that I want, You're all that I need...You're everything.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:23:16 GMT

I know I featured this on MySpace and Facebook, but I wanted to put it in a blog as well, just in case no one I know has seen this yet. It's really incredible and I think it would be great to show at a youth lock-in sometime. Especially if some of the people in our church's youth group were all a part of making it and showing it to their peers. Anyway...I'll let you watch the video now.

Are you the one just for me?

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 22:40:00 GMT

One word and a smile was all it took
Someone was happy to see her
And it was the person she hoped
To see, if only once, that day
And one glance, and his gentle smile
Sent happiness surging through her veins
Giving her another breath of life
And more will to fight it out
To stand strong and dare death to move
Staring down the thief threatening her life
But each night she tries to talk herself out of it
Reasoning that it never works for her
Shoving her past in her own face
But something so simple and sweet
Gives her hopeful chance the gift of flight

She knows she's silly to hope so much
To get so wrapped up in these thoughts
For love is not made for the likes of her
But she can't even escape the dreams
And she doesn't want to. If they can't be
real, then she'd rather sleep forever.

Today I look for someone just for me.
Someone who will love me even if I can't fulfill their wishes.
Someone who has love for me alone.

But...
There is another me.
The other me asks..."Does such a person exist?"

I need...someone whose love for me is true.
I want...someone who loves me without asking anything in exchange.
I hope...unless that someone loves me for being me...
...they're not someone just for me

Is this so?
"It is."
This someone exists?
"He does."
If so...then where?

My someone is nearby, I think. Perhaps I already know him.
"But..."

"...what if that person does not love you back?

"What if that person likes someone...other than you?"

"What if he never loves you?"

Then I'll have to decide.
Decide...and then do what must be done.

Little by little, the time with you and me passes.
Little by little, the distance is moving.
Yours and my distance.

But has the distance between us gotten smaller?
Or has it grown bigger?
I don't know.

I do know that I want it to be smaller.
But then the same thing would happen again.
"It won't be the same."
"This person isn't that person."
"It's someone else. People are all different."
"Even if people look the same...
"...they're all a little bit different."
"No two hearts are exactly the same."
"That's why the same thing won't happen."

Then is that person the "someone just for me?

I don't know.
But...
...I'm starting to hope he is.

If he...
...finds in me the things that make me special.
If he likes me because I am me.
If that person...
...takes the time to find what makes me different from the others...
If he likes me because I am me...
...if that happens...
...we may be able to become something a little different from before.

Once, long ago, I lost something precious to me.
I went through...
...something very painful in the past.

Something very, very painful.
Even now, my heart hurts.
Even now, the pain still lingers...
...from when I lost what was precious to me.

But I am still searching.
Still searching for that thing most precious.

I am me.
I am one of them.
Because I am me.
Someone who loves me because I am me.
Someone who I'll love because he is him.
The "someone just for me."

That's how I know that...
Inside of me, I'm one full person.
I am happy when that person smiles.

I am happy when that person is near.
Yes.
I am happy...
...when that person is happy.

That person is special, different from other people.
'You found it!'
'The thing that makes that person special...
...that makes him different from the rest...is that he is him.'
I found him.

The person that's precious and special...
The "someone just for me."

I hope that person finds them.
The things that he can't do because he is him.
The things that he can do because he is him.
I have found him.
I fell in love with him because he is that person.

Hopefully, he will find them.
The things that I can do because I am me.
The things that I can't do because I am me.
That person will find them.

And then...
...hopefully he will love me...
...because I am me.
Out of all people and all of them...
...I want him to find me.
And I want him to love me.

This feeling inside of me...
...is very soft.
But sometimes it hurts.

I become full of this feeling when I think of that person.
'Do you feel that way about everybody?'
No, only when I think of that person.

'What happens when you're with that person?'
I get warm...
..like I'm glowing inside.

'What if you can't be together?'
It hurts.
It really, really hurts right here.
'Like you're about to die?'
We can't die.
We can't die because we're not alive.
'Perhaps not.'
'But it feels the same as if we could.'
'Because we are them.'

'I hope we can be happy someday...
...when you find your "someone just for you."'
But...
...if we don't become happy...
...if the "someone just for me" knows all the things I can and cannot do because I am me...
...and he still doesn't choose me, then...

Then...
I will have to decide what to do...
...about you...
...and about us.

'What is wrong?'
It hurts.
If the "someone just for me" does not choose me...
...I'm afraid the hurt right here will be so bad...
...that I'll stop working.

'It's a powerful feeling, isn't it?'
'A hurt so strong it can cause you to break.'
All I want right now, more than anything else...
...is to be with him.

The glow inside is brightest when that person is near...
...and the pain inside hurts more when he is away.
I am happiest when I think about that person...
...I am saddest when I think about that person.
That person makes all my feelings more intense.
That must be what love is.

So please...
...let the person that I love...
...be the "someone just for me."

"A City With No People"

-Chobits

She entertains you, whatever you want. The rest is shadows, the rest is secret.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 05:56:04 GMT

a ragged breath tears its way
up her throat and past
her clenched teeth to hold back
the choking defeat at her core
a nervous laugh; an attempt
to calm herself; it's all in her head
it's not what it seems; she tells herself
only weeks till she knows
and she almost hopes it happens
so she won't have to listen
to how far off her intuition is
dread erodes at confidence and reason
but simple thoughts cannot change
for what is cannot be molded by will
she can only face the truth, when it comes
and live till her time is through
keeping her secrets behind doors
locked away in her mind and soul
she keeps them entertained
desperate to please before chance
and change take her breath away
to live this day as her last
to stare death in the eye and not flinch
to dare fate to slip its hazy claw
killing the flickering ember it left behind;

this is the final abolition of hope

I can't hold on to anything this good enough...

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:16:51 GMT

see her, lying with her body
telling experts what to see
and not a word escapes her lips
but she always keeps her eyes
hidden behind their white lies
distrust is the puppet master
and she's left to play his game
until the music's cut and she's safe
to feel her way out and away from them
staring with her guarded eyes
around the corners of the walls
wondering why it scares her
to be protected; and let go
of the safety she's fabricated

they're trying to lead her on
with their sweet words of innocence
but she will not believe a single word
coming from their crooked mouths
letting their well-meant words fall
like bullets to the ground as she says "no"
scratching pictures in the ink
that's spilled a wave of black on white
where throbbing clouds of gray
distort the truth she needs to hear.

I don't get you...I can't forget what you've forgotten...

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 02:19:52 GMT

she's trapped in the wrong body
destined to be flightless
feeling most at home
nowhere close to the ground
for one so star-crossed,
there is nowhere to look
shuffling along with the rest,
sworn to detachment

And...I've run out of things to say.
Long, but good day.
Oh, and these are the lyrics from one of my new favorite bands...

I don't get you . .
I can't forget what you've forgotten
All along
I've never been so alone

[B-section]
Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire

I was pretending
Your secret kiss of confidence
Was my escape
The perfect game to play...

[Chorus]
Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven six five four and I'm all over you
Counting three two one and I'm having fun...

Your fascination
With naked walls of silk and skin
With no conditions
I needed you to notice....
That's all I wanted

(This one is on my MySpace profile. LISTEN TO IT! Cause it's awesome. Ne?)

Aitai...

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 20:37:01 GMT

a breath of air
forcing its way past her lips
a taste of opportunity
a chance for demise
sliding one hand smoothly
up the curve of her hip
around her waist
teasing the hollow of her throat
whispering of possibilities
drowning the voices in her head
last chance to escape
this bittersweet caress of fate
her life hanging in the balance
it leads her on, tempting
knowing she's about to break
giving out just enough
just enough to keep her
enough to keep her waiting
'though she's tired of waiting
tired of holding her head high
putting on her face
waking up every morning
to the certainty there won't be anyone
to say goodnight to
when the lights go out
and she's left with the inquisition
the teacher making corrections
the analyst picking her apart
from the inside out
no room for appetite here
all that's left is to continue being
her for just a little while longer
long enough to survive
as long as there's enough
just enough to keep her
waiting, though she's fading
always her...
to afraid to be the one
the one who's speaking
when all the lights are on
and all the sights are trained
on her, the speaker
the one who's too afraid
to be vulnerable and true
honest with herself and them
no, they mustn't see her
for how can they when she can't?
she hasn't seen herself in so long
hiding behind the veil she's drawn
for what is it to be beautiful?
when our value is not our own
and [love] is for the highest bidder
and one must keep the winner content
if not happy with their prize
but she prefers to be alone
to be no man's woman
for now, if not ever
and always waiting
waiting for the one person
the ghost that brings a smile
to her lonelily lips
oh, how she's starving
starving for that one caress
the one that makes everything
the one touch to spin her thoughts
about and bring her back
from the deafening silence...

Did you forget yourself?...

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:06:27 GMT

Missing
Being close to those who are loved
Being worth their time
Being of worth
Lost all over again.
Hearing the fading footsteps
closing doors
lives
moments
memories
Couldn't we?
be close
once more
Just like us
Why are you so far away
and absently wandering
Couldn't we?
close this
gasping for
air
life
love
touch

could we be close
without heartbreak
and how pain-filled
I hate reminding you
of her, and you,
and I, and us,
and all we were
do you miss us?
being everything
being invincible
What about me?
Am I missing[?]
selfishly despised
cradling our past
in a frozen fist
will this survive
for the rest of life
or can I jump
off the ride and fall
like we dreamed
once when we were
you and I, an us
we could touch
and not cringe
with fear of this
being the end
of many regrets
left fading to gray
no contrast left
[to] tell the truth
are you missing
the point of it
all is this[;] solitude.
we're saved
once upon a time

This is one of those moments in life when I wish I was a smoker...

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:42:19 GMT

...but instead, all I can say is "fuck."

And, no, this isn't supposed to make sense.
I'm just tired
confused
I'll write more tomorrow.
Right now, I'm just gonna go home.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
-The Perks of Being A Wallflower

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:45:32 GMT

INFJ

creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, more likely to support marijuana legalization, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self

favored careers:

psychotherapist, artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, opera singer, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, social services worker, art historian, sign language interpreter, photo journalist, makeup artist, photo journalist, homemaker

disfavored careers:
airline pilot, race car driver, businessman, information technology consultant, executive, administrator, supervisor, bartender, lab technician, restaurant owner, strategist, ceo, bar owner, marketing specialist, business consultant

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Introverted
Intuiting with
Extroverted Feeling

STRENGTHS
With their preference for Feeling, INFJs are quietly perceptive, emotionally deep, individuals. However, being inner directed, and inclined to focus on their own abstract thoughts and ideas, they may keep their great interpersonal warmth hidden from those they do not know well. Idealistic and introspective, they focus on the deeper hidden patterns and meanings behind surface forms and structures. However, being sensitive to others¹ needs, they do not approach life in an unduly cool, analytical or distant way. Having a strong sense of duty and responsibility, they believe it is important to adhere closely to established methods and procedures. Inclined to focus on the fundamental principles underlying a task, they will attend closely to detail, and be committed to complete tasks on schedule and to the required standard. While they approach problems in a theoretical and abstract way, their empathic concern for others enables them to keep a human perspective on events.

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Orientated towards the Introverted world of abstract concepts and ideas, INFJ's may sometimes need to be drawn out in social settings. Thoughtful and considerate, they may not be the first to put forward their own ideas, preferring instead to consider the deeper theoretical issues before contributing to a debate or discussion. Enjoying working with fundamental principles and theoretical concepts, they will be most comfortable when discussing their ideas with a small group of like minded colleagues. Averse to conflict and discord, they will work to resolve disagreements by actively seeking compromise and consensus. When working in teams they will wish to have a well defined role and clearly defined goals. Disinclined to discuss their deeply held values and ideals with people they do not know well, those around them may not always fully appreciate the true depth of their feelings. Dependable, reliable and egalitarian in nature, they will be committed to working for the common good.

THINKING STYLE
Although they are inclined to approach problems from an abstract, theoretical perspective, their Feeling function means that INFJs maintain a strong awareness of the interpersonal dimensions of the task. More interested in understanding why things work, rather than simply perceiving how they work, they use their Intuition to look beyond the superficial facts in a given situation in search of deeper principles and truths. Thus, they approach real-world practical, problems by first attempting to understand the theoretical principles that govern the problem at hand. Approaching tasks in a clear, orderly and methodical way, they will not lose sight of the detailed aspects of the task. Attuned to the feelings of others, they will be sensitive to the impact their actions will have upon those around them. Organizing abstract, logical arguments in an orderly, systematic manner, they may be at their best when communicating on a one-to-one basis, with supportive colleagues who value their methodical, structured approach.

HOW OTHERS MAY SEE YOU
Well organized, dependable and reliable, they will be trusted to see tasks through to the end. Known for their sound grasp of fundamental concepts and principles, colleagues will respect their ability to approach problems in a systematic, orderly and logical manner. However, more down-to-earth colleagues, who are less interested in the subtle nuances of a problem, may sometimes worry that they may lose sight of practical, day-to-day realities. Committed, co-operative, and happy to oblige, they will be respected for their ability to persevere with tasks that require attention to detail. However, if others take unfair advantage of their genuine offers of help, this may generate feelings of resentment. Perceptive and sensitive to others¹ needs, they will be viewed as thoughtful, considerate and understanding. However, their egalitarian style and desire to manage by consensus, may sometimes be misinterpreted as indicating an inability to take difficult, unpopular decisions.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFJs, making up an estimated 1% of all people, are the most rare type (males even more so). They are introspective, caring, sensitive, gentle and complex people that strive for peace and derive satisfaction from helping others. INFJs are highly intuitive, empathetic and dedicated listeners. These traits tend to act as a "tell me what's wrong" sign on their forehead, hence the nicknames Confidant, Counselor or Empath. INFJs are intensely private and deeply committed to their beliefs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

And....now, I'm going back to thinking. Maybe I'll spend the rest of the afternoon sitting around, studying and writing.

Or maybe I'll come back and write some more once I sort through everything.

And if you could, then you know you would...

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 21:05:44 GMT

...cause, God, it just feels so good.

I'm home again,
and it's everything
and nothing I expected
I'm still lost
and trying to find where I fit
and trying to make ends meet
and trying to make sense
and trying to understand
and trying to heal
and move on
and
I don't have a clue
or where I'm supposed to go from here
or what I'm supposed to do
or who I'm supposed to be
with or without

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

::HIATUS::

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:04:45 GMT

As most of my friends know, I am moving away from Tucson tomorrow morning and will be going back home to Kansas. I just found out yesterday that we don't have the internet at my house anymore, so I won't be getting online even half as much anymore. I'm hoping that once I get a steady job at home, that I can work out some sort of joint account so we can have internet at our house again, but I can't make any promises at this point since my job situation is still up in the air. Once I find out more details...I'll find some sort of way to relay them.
I love you and all will miss you all very, very, VERY much!!!
Don't forget about me, okay?
I'll try to be back ASAP!

-Tricia

::edit::
I bought a memory card for my camera today!!!! So I'll be taking LOTS of pictures on the way home!!! I have space for 300+ so, once I get internet again, I'll be uploading a LOT of pics to my MySpace and DeviantArt accounts.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 08:41:10 GMT

Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?--Alice In Wonderland

The only trouble is, the world is already that way.
It feels like the universe has been knocked on it's side
Mirrors are broken and lies are spilled
And nothing makes sense at all.
And my feelings, physical and mental,
Are so contradictory I can hardly sleep
I'm so exhausted and stressed out
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Or even what I want for anything or anyone

I wish that for once I could have a normal conversation
without my mind going blank or words tripping over themselves.
There isn't much that is more annoying right now than trying to connect
...it's like I'm trying to light a fire between us,
but the wind of my thoughts and doubts keeps making the flame threaten to disappear
because the pressure is too much and not enough
And I can barely string words together enough to make a sentence
And I'm scared you'll lose interest,
Or be completely aghast at my stupidity

Yes, I am far too insecure,
But it's because I care so much
About life and the people I love
And how for once, I would love to not fuck everything up
I'm so flighty and can't make up my mind to save my life
And when I actually try to communicate it all comes out wrong
And we're both at a loss for words because...
Well, what can you say when the only responses to you
Are from someone who would love to disappear at that exact moment?

Does God ever feel like this?--At a loss for words?
(Not that I'm at a loss for words now, but I was earlier...
When you called and I had no clue what to say
I was so exasperated with life, but didn't want to complain too much
And yet I didn't want to sound so cheesily positive that you'd be annoyed
And what I wanted most in that half hour was to be right there
Breathing the same air and being at home--together)
I sorta hope that He does...and that he'd pass down a guide
How-to-NOT-be-an Idiot's Guide for Idiots...

For the next five days, I'll be stranded
With half of my life packed away
And the other half waiting to be taken somewhere
Old and familiar; somewhere it can call home
Meanwhile, these last few days crawl by
Practically groveling at the feet of transition
As if to see if I'm really ready to start living again
Or if this is just some cruel joke that I'll wake up from
And still have another hundred days in exile.

And this weakness that's gnawing at my insides
Eroding my patience with a sickening dread
That maybe my second wind is gone
And I'm simply coasting along
Hoping that I had enough strength to survive.
I'm scared, for this reason as well...
Scared that my weakness will disappoint
And you'll dismiss any possibilities
'Though, who am I to judge?

And as far now, all I can do is wait
At this crossroads tickling my fancy
With each tendril of thought
And perhaps something good will come of it
Though it might not be worth such speculation
The future isn't in favor of that sort of gamble
Better to hold your breath and wish on stars
Than put your hopes in someone
For no human is truly trustworthy

Taken with thought, still prone to care...

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:19:16 GMT

It feels like just another night hanging out with friends...
...except it's all over .
I'm feeling so happy and sad
all in the same breath.
They gave me a card with a lot of notes from people at work,
And it's just so sweet!!!!
I never realized just how much I'm going to miss my friends here.
Sure, Tucson kinda sucks, and work is...work.
But the people I've met are so incredible,
and I'll never forget them--
Even if we end up losing touch over the years.

My livingroom smells like Sonic's popcorn chicken and tater tots.
Yum.

I don't think I've laughed so much in at least a month...Erika honking the car horn at Aaron on the way back from Sonic (while Aaron was in the car with us)...freaking out the bicyclist by driving at the same speed she was pedaling at...

Does anyone have a hairband???

^_^ Good times.

What do you do?...You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

So what do I do now? I'm listening to The Shins and feeling like I'm having a Garden State moment and all I want to do is be with a certain someone, cuddling and listening to their steady heartbeat--so that I can know, in this moment, that everything will be absolutely fine. That I can be happy and heartbroken at the same time, and I don't have to hold back.

For some odd reason, this reminds me of the night before I moved here. I was up till 2am, and at one point I looked over at my cat, who was staring at me, wondering what the hell I was doing, putting all of her things in boxes. And I just broke down, sat on the rug, and held her...too tight, most-likely, but I was so scared. Scared of being alone on my own over 1000 miles from home with barely enough friends to keep me from turning into a hermit. Even now, I still don't know even half of the people in my building, and I still haven't swam in the pool, and....there's a lot of things I haven't done, but I guess as far as everything goes, I'm okay with it.

I'm glad I won't be alone the night before I move back home, though. There's something so creepy in the silence before you move to a completely new city. I've never really thought of this place as home, and I don't know if that's wrong or not. It's been like 1 1/2 years of visiting another city...if that makes sense. And now I'm going home, but I'm going to miss the quasi-familiarity that I have here. It'll be strange to not hear the gate slam closed at all hours of the night...or the trains...or the neighbor in the apartment next to mine taking a shower at 1:30. Thankfully we have cicadas back at home, so I won't go crazy from their constant crying. And if you're wondering about the whole cicadas crying concept, ask, and I'll explain.

And now I'm gushing and this doesn't really make any sense...
Le sigh.

Oyasuminasai.

10 People...

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 21:57:06 GMT

INSTRUCTIONS:

Write ten statements intended to any ten different people. Don't tell anyone which statement is to who. Just write things you've always wanted to say.

1. I've written of you countless times. Those who actually read what I have to say are probably sick of how it takes me forever to get over things. Especially you and what you've done. To be honest, I feel sorry for you. The truth is, you're going to wake up one day and see the damage you've done, and how much you've lost. You might think that you won't care about it then, but someday you'll break down and you won't be able to lie to yourself anymore. And for that, I pity you. You probably don't even think of me anymore...and I wonder if you ever really did love us as much as you claimed. To quote one of my favorite movies...Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words...

2. You've been the source of so much in my life. The source of life, doubt, insecurity, and so many trust issues. I'm glad that we've come through it all finally and I wish I found it easier to open up to you. It's not that I don't like communicating with you regularly...I just never know what to say. I realize that this distance isn't all your fault...and that it was largely the fault of the person who was previously mentioned. Maybe someday we'll be able to talk freely about anything and everything...I hope that day comes soon.

3. You...I love you so much. You have been the constant, unfaltering support in my life, and for that, I owe you everything. I'm sorry I haven't always been there for you. You have no idea how many times I have wished I could take back the past couple years and do so many things differently. I wish I hadn't left you when you were drained and deserted. I still feel like such a traitor, and I hope you can forgive me for what I've done...and not done. You mean the world to me. I couldn't have asked for a better role model, leader, or provider. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

4. I wish I could protect you...but you're almost an adult now. All I can do is hope that God will watch over you while you're away. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, worry about you, or wish I could see you. It's been almost 2 years since we've seen each other and at least a couple months since we've talked. I miss you...

5. My dearest friend, I miss you so much! I can't wait to see you and get back to being as close as we were. Even closer, if possible! I wish I could help keep you from getting hurt - maybe I'll be able to help a little more once I'm close again! Sure, we've had our disagreements in the past, but you helped protect me when my entire family was falling apart. :) You and your family adopted me, and I am eternally grateful for your love and support. We'll be sisters forever!!! Love and muffins!!!

6. Byakuya...even though I know you wish I'd chosen a different character...I think he fits you the best. You've been an incredible friend, and I've only known you a couple years! You're so encouraging, and sure we argue sometimes...okay, all the time...but it's all in fun. And I stand by my statement that you are silly and have the best voice and laugh I've ever heard. Hopefully we'll get to meet someday when life is simpler and distance isn't such a problem. Yosh!

7. And you...you, are one of the closest, dearest friends I have ever had. You're the one I have truly been able to tell anything to. You know the deepest, darkest parts of my heart, and I'm sorry I can't be closer right now. I'm afraid that I haven't been close enough...mostly because I don't want to get in the way. I'm very proud of you, and I doubt you will ever cease to impress me. I wish we didn't have our big fights so regularly, and I'm hoping we can dodge this one...I'd hate to go a month without talking to you again. I love you, M&C.

8. I loved you. Deeply, happily, loyally, inexplicably, with as much as I could offer. And then you hurt me. Repeatedly. Tested me, and I've always hated being treated like an object of amusement. You knew that. You called me a child, and knew I hated it. And you knew why. I didn't know why you doubted us. I knew, going into it that it wouldn't be easy for us at first, but I willingly turned my whole life upside-down so I could stay with you. And then you asked for a break, and that was all I could take. All in all, I'm actually glad we didn't work out. We never really talked about anything much. Sure, we'd talk for hours, but we never got to know each other like we should have. I used to miss you...or rather what I thought we had. I thought I'd never love after you...but I do.

9. From what I've heard, we didn't start out on the right foot...nor did things end the way they should have between us. But in the middle, things were wonderful, and you called me your "Princess." Even now, that name holds such a deep meaning, and I wish I'd known the truth before it was too late. I'm glad I was able to see you one last time. I'm sorry I was too scared to even touch you or come close. It took all my courage to even come see you again. I hate how lies can completely cripple us and steal away those who mean the most. I wish there had been a service of some sort...some closure. I've cried and cried...but I still catch myself looking down the street when I go somewhere; wondering if you're close or if you're stopping by to say hi or check on me. Thank you for believing in me and being so generous. Thank you for loving me until the end. I will never, ever, ever forget you.

10. Lastly, but far from least...I have so many things to say about you. So many thoughts and so many questions. I've always wished I knew you better, and to say that I've always thought highly of you is an understatement. I'm really scared that I'll screw things up between us and let you down. Maybe once I move home things will all become clear for us. I wish I knew what you were thinking about us...for that matter, I wish my own thoughts were clear. I just want you to like me. And someday I'm hoping to tell you how much you really mean to me. And please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE don't go away!!!! So....those are some of my thoughts...but until we see each other again, I guess I'll just have to settle for this hazy grayness.

Insomnia's secrets...

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:02:37 GMT

avoidance couldn't be further from the truth.
and your words burn like acid
with no end in sight
how can you be upset
all I did was stay out of the way

it feels like the day
fifteen years ago
when we visited that house
it was raining and the scent was intoxicating
it felt so intrusive
walking through home
not our own
so beautiful, yet real
something so dark and secretive
should not be disturbed
walking in the garden
feeling the grinding crunch of pebbles
beneath my shoes as we walked
down the path
and out of your life

even as I was growing up
I saw you betray him
betray our family
with your need for attention
you're still an actress
parading around
in your short-lived glory
it'll fail you and leave.
leaving you, like a one-night stand,
more shrunken and bitter
as each act comes to a close

who knows how long it will take
for the chemistry
and the laws of exchange
to make you realize
just how much you lost
and maybe you'll finally hear
the question that drives
are you happy now?

no, this is not avoidance.
was not avoidance.
never will be.
only the continuance of a shadow.
that was never meant to fit
in your world. no matter.
we'll all forget soon.
rinse and reuse.
this is the beauty
of memory and loss.

out of mind, out of sight
with an inadvertent loss
of connection
apologies extended,
with judgments accepted,
and no words to defend.

and...you.
these questions
probing my mind
mostly of you
nothing makes sense
and these butterflies won't leave
and nothing is black and white
and I want to tell you
I want to tell you each detail
each little thought of you
but I'm terrified
that you'll think I'm too forward
that I'm crazy
that you can't handle all this
that I'll scare you away
that I'll lose you,
even though you say I won't lose everyone
and all this wondering leaves me
f.i.n.e. and full of quotes
from movies
songs
and snapshot memories of us
alone and together
young and innocent
no holds barred

how did you do it?
how did you awaken this?
something I had locked up so tightly
and am now considering letting go
for you, and only you
and maybe I'm reading too much into it
I probably am, as always
thinking too much
logical too little
and just as
freaked out
insecure
neurotic
emotional
...
...
and dramatic
as always
loyally,
faithfully
unpredictable.

Requitted, yet unable...

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 04:30:26 GMT

Libra: You have to let bygones be bygones this week.
Obsessing over the past will only open old wounds.
Keep the past in the past.

Uncompleted idea:
time never tells its secrets
vigilant clocks guard them
growing stronger as each second passes

clenched teeth and fists;
the sum of the several weeks

this is how it must feel to be a prisoner at the edge of completing their sentence

the last few days crawl by; agonizing anticipation

are you alright? we'll miss you

lies

oh, how we'll miss you

missing memories

we won't forget you, we'll stay in touch

neo-nostalgic

keeping secrets
or hostages
buying our time and silence
making the corners of our mouths bleed from the strain
a sharp contrast to our porcelain masque

letting go
said so simply
the truth is spelled out
in the shredded remains
it's called disorder
depression
when it's creativity
reinventing oneself for the benefit of others

and now you
you who I once dreamed of
you came back
so suddenly
and I feel so young
choking on these emotions

once again , I'm on a tightrope
tiptoeing to freedom
only 1000 miles away
still further from certainty

I wish that, for once, I could give a definite answer. That I could look you in the eye and tell you the absolute, unguarded truth.
Don't ask why I can't meet your gaze, because I simply don't have an answer. Maybe I'm afraid that if I tell you how I feel, while looking at you, staying vulnerable for integrity's sake, you'll know what my heart is really saying; hearing my soul's message without my mind's permission.

Can you feel it, though?
The way I long to be honest with you,
but am afraid to let you in on the truth
and how I want to hold your hand and be your friend
but am afraid to touch skin to skin
knowing what we know of each other already,
yet there's so much left to discover

Soon we'll know what we are capable of
as our own entities, and as a couple.
It would take a lot of work,
but it might be worth it, in the end...
but as for now,
we couldn't be more sequestered
in our little corners of the world

"This is your life. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 08:20:18 GMT

No one ever really waits for you to get back on your feet. That's the sucky part of living.
Sometimes you need to be open, raw, real -- vulnerable.
And I am now. And it's absolutely terrifying. I'm down to my last month here in Tucson, and I'm feeling so many things. Excitement, anxiety, stress, impatience, hesitance...the list could go on.
The most stressful thing is that I still haven't found anyone to sublease my apartment, which is a massive worry for me. I'm just praying I can find at least one person to cover half the cost. I really don't mind paying $405 a month if I know the other half of the rent is taken care of. And I know I need to let God handle things...I know He's trying to help me learn to trust again, but this is such a big deal! I mean, I have 29 days left till I move home, and I still don't have any prospective people to sublease my place.
Other than that gigantic worry, life is slowly getting better. I'm slowly working on packing and organizing for the trip home....so my apartment is also a bit chaotic...which I really need to get better at working with. It's just that everything either in boxes, or on its way into boxes...it just needs to all be sorted out. At least I have almost all of my books taken care of. Now I mostly just need to sort through clothes...and I'll probably end up getting rid of about half of what I own at the moment.
Oh yeah. Then there's the whole needing to find a job back home...but I'm thinking that probably won't be sorted out till I'm actually home again. *sweatdrop* I'm just praying that works out, too.
But, on a brighter note, I had a fantastic practice session tonight!!! It went so smoothly - even after a very long day at work. And my fingers were in the mood to learn...and it was just flowing so well. I just need to get a seat with better padding. o_O
I would love to just pass out for a day. Need. Sleep.
Gotta be at work in.....11 1/2 hours...for a 12-hour shift....and between now and then, I need to sleep for at least a few hours, work out, do laundry, straighten up my apartment, shower, and get ready for work. I think I'll ride my bike there tomorrow. That sounds fun.
I think I'm gonna call it a day. My back and body are all achy and stuff. W00t!

Oh yeah...if you're wondering if this is everything....no. It's not.

Rant....Did you love me?...

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:00:16 GMT

Because I'm honestly convinced that you didn't. You broke my heart twice (and seemed to blame both on me....or at least one - pardon me for thinking you cared even a little!), and you wanted a "break" which is just bull, and then you never actually tried to save our relationship.
You had no qualms in putting me to the test, but the one time I tested you - you failed.
God, I was such an idiot to believe you.
And how do you explain the fact that you never stopped being with someone? Even when we broke up? It's like you have girls lined up to make things easier. And you tell us the same things.
Thanks to you, I've almost completely lost faith - you're another reason why I might not even try to love again.
Bravo. I hope you get kicked to the side like you did to me. You need to grow up and face the consequences. Stop blaming other people for what you do.
Oh, and by the way, I don't feel bad for taking so long to get over things. Why couldn't you have just been honest, hm? It was like you expected me to completely ignore the past, which has made me who I am today....just because you walked into my life and stole my heart. I understand that I practically need an industrial forklift for all my emotional baggage, but you knew that before we even got into a relationship. Isn't trying to make the person you're in a relationship change the girl's job?
As is...being all in a hurry to get married. What was that all about? Honestly!
I can't believe I fell for it.
What a player.

So...I'm the one who's gonna beat your ass. How's it goin'?

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 08:27:42 GMT

Well, besides the insane amounts of pain the last couple days (8.5 on a scale of 1-10), despite the consumption of pills to at least slightly alleviate such annoyances...to quote Michel, "I feel like crap on toast." I slept more than 13 hours last night, and I feel just as drained as before. I don't know why either. I've been doing everything possible to keep my heart and my body running well. I never even drink Mountain Dew anymore...and I'm down to only a couple times a week for Pepsi. Other than that, it's water and Gatorade. Maybe some lemonade or Sierra Mist if I'm feeling really wild.

And no, I don't know why my body's so achy and almost useless. I'm just relieved that there are only 32 days left here. Less than 5 weeks till I'm home again! That means I'll probably be able to see a doctor within the next 3-3 1/2 months, which is awesome. I don't know how much longer I can last. Maybe I should just sleep all the time I'm not working. What a life that'd be. *rolls eyes* At least I'll be safe at home in just over a month...just in case I can't take care of me anymore. o_O Heh. What a day that'll be. I'm gonna go watch two more episode of Rozen Maiden, then go to bed. I'm exhausted all over again.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 08:35:54 GMT

You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! And it's not my fault! It's not! I loved you and all that came of it was pain, frustration, and guilt; none of which was mine to bear. The least you could've done was be honest. Even now. But are you? No. And you wonder why I can't see you...

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.

Incomplete thought...

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 07:49:14 GMT

Don't hide all the answers
When you ask me for help
Do I need to remind you
Who put who on the shelf?

Now you're having some problems
And you're coming to me
When you're the last person
I'd consent to see

// I've had enough of your lies
I'm not a pawn in your game
So stop looking at me
We know things aren't the same

Maybe next time you'll learn
Karma's not on your side
And I really don't care
If you thought you were right.//

"If you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say..."

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 07:17:51 GMT

Truth be told, my love is one that never was;
Only that which time will never envy
For all its glamour and appeal
It is that which I do not desire,

Love, as this, I do not embrace
Nor pray to steal a kiss
For that love, as it is often called
Is but a calloused scar on a heart, once my own.

If this is love, I will have no part in it
For I would rather be alone,
In heart and soul, for eternity
Than hold close that which I cannot bear.

"I love you;" no words wound like these.
Do not love me. Do not love and lie as others.
But, if this talk of love you believe,
Remember I am a woman, not a saint.

For each word spoken, and each word read
Minutes of thought, and an hour besides
For these are but whispers of the torrent kept still
And only will has kept back that which I keep secret.

"I just want to be happy right now. Okay?"

Sun, 27 May 2007 06:40:27 GMT

I really do.
I mean, I can handle my mom being pregnant.
I can handle having a messed up heart.
I can handle working two jobs.
I can handle being 1000 miles away from home.
But having a relative on the verge of death, too?
No.
Tricia is breaking.
Again.
But at least I can feel that it hurts.
I'm not completely numb inside yet.

Damnit, why am I not allowed to be happy?
For one day? Why?!

Great, now I'm whining.
And crying.
And my head is going to implode.

All I want to do is be 5 again, curl up in a ball with my head in my mom's lap, listening to her soothing me while running her fingers through my hair. It was so calming.

Inside I feel like Lottie from A Little Princess, screaming and crying,

I want my mama!!!...No I won't, she's dead and I'll never see her again!!!!!!!!!!!

*collapses into bed*

...And in the end does someone die?

Sat, 26 May 2007 23:45:25 GMT

...I don't mind. I was never like the rest of you... making plans about the great things I'd do. I never saw myself as anything much.
-Beth March (Little Women)

I just found out that my grandpa's dying. This is my mom's dad...lives here in Tucson. I haven't seen or talked to him in about a year...because of family issues. I thought things were going alright between us, but then last spring my mom called, asking what I'd done to upset him, and I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. But, because of what she said, I avoided talking to him from then on out...and the fact that we'd had differing opinions on how we should handle what had happened with my immediate family didn't help, either. I will do anything—pretty much literally—to avoid confrontations...hence the not returning calls or anything. It just made it easier to pretend that nothing was wrong, ya know? And now I feel awful about it.
He probably feels like his whole family has abandoned him...his daughter's run off with someone who's half her age...left her husband and torn the whole family apart...and I'm sure things with me didn't help, either. I'm just hoping he won't hate me...that maybe he'll still love me, despite how I've been avoiding talking to him.
I'm praying that somehow I can get a ride to go see him...before it's too late. Even if it's just to hold his hand for a moment and get to tell him that I love him and I'm so sorry for everything.
;_;

...I know I shall be homesick for you even in Heaven.
Beth March (Little Women)